so things have gotten better. they had been horrible but now they are better. i made a huge fuck up and i didnt think that would have gotten caught in what i was doing. to be honest i am glad that i did. by my getting caught in my lies and deceits i was made to realize that there were a lot of things about who i was that were very, very wrong. and they changed right quick. almost over night. i know a lot of people think that people cant change or that it takes time if they do believe that people can change. and to be honest i think that they are right when it does happen. but in some cases like this one were you lose some of the people that you care about the most and know in your heart that you were wrong. you can change instantly. and i did. and im so happy for it. i could tell you another lie and say that i did it for these people and because i did it to get what i wanted. well that is part true. i did it because i want to. im not doign it for anyone but me. ok honestly its not completely for me. and since im the only one who reads this i can be honest. 90 percent of this is for me and the other ten is for my unborn child. emma. she deserves to be raised by a father who isnt an asshole. and i was. no doubt about that in my mind at all anymore. she deserves to be given everything in the world and i am going to do the very best that i can which includes her having a father that she can respect and love. whether i was to some how be able to call those people my friends again or not this change had been made an is going to stay like that. i paid a huge price when learning this lesson. a hard lesson that has been well learned. and will not be forgotten this time i swear it. this whole event makes me realize that i have my own insecurities. thats the only explanation that i can think of as to why i would feel the need to do even half the shit i have in my life. i never thought that i of all people had a problem. i never claimed that i understood women or anything like that. i knew exactly what to say and how to act to get what i wanted. yea sounds like an asshole right. im not sure i knew then this fact but i can see it is clear as day in retrospect. my plan is to show those people that i have truly changed for the better. that i can be better not only as a friend to them...but as a better person to myself and to those that i claim i care about. im going to take the better parts of who i was before the navy and the better parts i have of me from the navy and then leave all the rest in the past and move on as an all around better human being. the best part of who i was that i can think of is that i actually had spirituality back then. i dont now. i am going to get back to that. i really think that i am starting to bable on and on but i still feel like there is something that i wanna put down so i can look back on it later. all i know right now is that i am happy about this change and i am so extremely thankful that those people i lost have taken me back. they are truly incredible people and i am honored to have known them and be able to call them friend