ok so its a little while. i went home for christmas standown. the drive down there was alright i got pulled over twice. once for my lights being off and i got a warning and then i got a ticket for speeding. the time down there was great i got to see my family. went with cj to get an ultrasound. that was cool. we found out that we are having a girl. kinda scared. ok alot scared actually. then thr drive back was an adventure. stopped off at a friends house after getting a late start. got caught in a blizzard. got stuck at a truck stop because i had gotten a cb radio for christmas and i bought a mount to put it on my truck and that took me like an hour to put on my fingers where so cold. its sucked. yea there are alot more details to it then that but i cant remember them right now.

so its new years and im sitting alone in my apt/seabag locker drinking alone. alcholic yes i know. almost done with a handle that i opened on my own. so things with the marriage are done. i cant handle it anymore. there are so many things that are going on with that that i cant take it anymore. im just done. the same things that happened before are happening again.the not letting go and the complaining and just blah...idk but im not going to let it bother me anymore. shit happens and life goes on. ive got orders to c school pensacola for air search rader then i got shore duty in san diego. not to happy about that but what am i going to do about it. ugh idk anymore. i jsut want this to be over and done with. its just annoying. i wish that could go back in time jsut a year or so and do this a different way. idk where i would be and i dont know if the good things in my life would be happening right now. so im am happy about them but not to thrilled about the others. im sounding like her now and thats not good.

so now im gonna try and put it on a happier note....this isnt working.....this is hard.....umm...just typing to type i guess...wish that i could focus my thoughts. my family supports me either way but they all told me what they really thought and i tend to agree with them. it would just seem easier to stay together with her but i know that ill be unhappy and itll be hard to just go through with the divorce but i know that ill be happier in the end. but im the same way as i was telling her to just let go even though its hard. ive already let go but the hard part for me is to listen to her and that fact that she hasnt yet....because i do still love her im just not in love with her....after talking to someone who means so much to me, idk if i was ever truly in love with her. at least not like i think i did. i said i would spend the rest of my life with her for better or worse in sickness and health blah blah blah....but i mean shit happens and life goes on. nobody ever wants to get married more than once. but again life goes on.....im gonna go now because im still not focused and cant think strait right now....so.....talk to you later