new stuff

i was meaning to say before in an earlier post that has anyone ever watched a movie or a seen or something and had that feeling of nothing but like....truth in romance? if that makes any sense. i dont know i saw a couple movies and just certain scenes in them made you feel like going back to a time where everything was kinda innocent. where you didnt have to worry about absolutely everything. it sucks that you cant go back to that. yea i guess i just want to re live my high school days and make them better. its one of those you really dont know how good you have it until its gone. and there really isnt anything anyone can say to make you understand that when they know better and have been there. its one of those things where you have to admit that you should have listened to your parents. i know that i should have. to have had more confidence. i mean i had confidence enough to talk to the opposite sex and all that fun flirting stuff, im talking about more of a self confidence in letting yourself show that emotion. to open the risk of getting hurt. i think thats why i did alot of the things that i did. i couldnt open myself up to that vulnerable stage. i was afraid of getting hurt. and it made things worse in the end for me. idk what else to say about that point anymore. i just wish things could be better all the way around.

me and my significant other truly are arnt doing well... at all. i just hope that we can keep things civil and easy. for the babies sake, the baby is the only truly innocent person in this whole mess and they dont deserve anything but the best. i really dont know what to do with that anymore. i mean....what am i supposed to do? anyone have any ideas? its gonna be hard. i can see that no matter what happens its gonna be hard. my friend from the duty section had her mom come visit her last night and i talked to her a bit. she has a phd in child advocacy and she helped me out a bit. she showed me that a baby is a great thing but it isnt a reason to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy or that isnt working. such is life and things change and you need to move on. you cant make anyone happy such as a wife or husband if you cant be happy yourself. you need to work on that first. because to be honest your the only one who knows what you truly want or that will stick with you through everything.

on a lighter not i got my hard copies of my orders. i leave great lakes in march and i then go to pensacola for my c school. i got 1580 ASR8 maintenance. its and air search radar. that school is 75 days long and then i go to san diego for shore duty on north island air station. its cool i guess but at the same time it kinda sucks on other things. like its cool cause ill be on shore and get to be close to my family and that jazz. but it sucks cause ill be on shore and wont get to deploy and travel like a sailor should. i wont have to crank when i get to a ship in a few years. but itll be hard to get a warfare pin if i could ever actually. and then its gonna be even harder to advance.

thats it for now i think....wish me luck.

21nov10

so things have gotten worse i guess you could say. or better depending on how you look at it. the marriage is over. she told me so her self. i felt bad because she was right when she you i dont care. at the time and looking at it right now i really dont. i mean she has got to be bipolar. she is fine one minute then next she is fucking losing her shit and i mean there are things that ive seen her do that would make some therapist go nuts. that may be a bit much but still you get the picture. and now how things are going other wise i cant say im to sad. i mean yea i didnt want to be divorced at 20 years old but then again i didnt want to be 20 and married and miserable. i cant say im not totally miserable but....i dont know what to say really im just kinda rambling this time.

on another hand it was my duty free weekend this weekend and i had fun. i hung out with chag mace niki and sigan the whole time. and nikis sister shanna. she is pretty chill. i miss this feeling. its not soemthing that ive felt in a long time. chag is like a sister to me, a sister that makes sure that i can relax. its a nice change of pace. its usally the other way around when it come to me. im usually the one whpo does that. its nice. i mean i get to enjoy myslef and have fun....but when i do that i get shit for it. i get told that im not in college anymore and i cant just have fun and have no responsibilities. i get told that i am a married father to be. yes i am but i mean....not 24 hours ago she told me herself that it was over. would anyone else be confused at all of this? oh well. ive come to the realization earlier that im not as horrible as she makes em out to be....as per the gammy and the only real friends i seem to have left anymore and im not going to let her affect me that way anymore.

yes i may be a father to be but that doesnt me i cant have fun and live my life and enjoy it. i am totally excited that i am goingto be a father. little nervous not gonna lie its gonna be life changing no doubt.i think that i might have found someone who i can just hang out with and enjoy my life. she is so cool. i dont wanna go to san diego anymore. all of the people that i get along with anymore are gonna end up in virginia. and i dont want to miss her....or them. idk but im gonna go to be now. that is if i can make it there. wish i could blog about something more important that just me bitching......but fuck it nobody is reading this anyway

so i havent been on in a while it seems and there has been alot of shit to happen that i dont even know where to start. actually im gonna open a new tab and read what the last post has said taht way i can tell where i need to start this off at i guess.

so yea i just read it and alot has changed. everythign has been put out into the open. i broke down like never before and all i wanted to do was to wrap my truck around a tree at 120. it would have made things easier it seemed at the trime but here i am still stuck and dont know what to do. so fucking pathetic. i cant do anything really because evveryone is so far away and it just doesnt work like that. but who you gotta talk to to get a strait fuckign answer. i got caught in some lies that i told. ill admit it i was wrong there is no denying that. but dam i mean if you say you wanted to work things out then lets do it and stop living in the past and jsut move on. but oh no cant do that either....i get told why should i give you a second chance if your just gonna throw it away. well i dont want the second chance i want what i cant have apparently. and now it all just gets worse and worse for one because i am up this fucking late writing a blog that no body even fucking reads....how fuckin sad is that.

but lets see the first thing is that i got caught in the lies. yes. i admitted to it and took it. yes. do i want to work things out? i did. i thought....not anymore i cant do it anymore. ive lost everything it seemed. all my so called friends back home like bailed on me and took her side. i can understand thinking that i fucked up and calling me out on it i get that. but to take someoneelses side after so many years together for someone you have never fucking met. dam that was some cold shit. i mean i have friends that i met in the navy that are closer to me it seems than any of them. so i dont know about that whoel situation anymore. kind wish i get sent to virginia so i can just leave it all behind...again. whatever but thats that story

i am married. i dont want to be anymore. she told me that she wants me to show more emotion and that i need ot be more open so here it is. is this open enough for you?! we are only staying married until may so that she is covered by medical so the baby to be is taken care of the right way...oh yea she is prego i didnt mention taht before. and to top that off....her step sister decided today that it would be a good idea to kick her and punch her...in the fucking stomach! wow i mean dam. i wanted to kill a bitch and i do mean that kinda literally....probably shouldnt say that seein how i could get in some trouble for that one. oh well its already typed and the backspace button is so far away. oh yea, her mom and step dad some how think it was her fault too though...that she could have avoided it and instegated it....and they got her convinced of this. i need to get her the hell out of there just for the soul fact that that it is my kid she is carrying. plus after hearing all of this her family is full of complete nut cases! thats that part of the new stuff

oh and back to the friends issues for a sec...ive even lost those who claimed they were my best friends....i got messages on facbook saying i cant believe you would do that kind think, you disgust me.....i cant believe that you made it this long without fucking up its avbout time....yea they can all suck a fat one....

and now to the topic im dealing with at the moment....actually i dont know if i wanna put this up yet. im still trying to deal with it myself. yes i have made a mistake and was a jackass and lied about some things.....well taht doesnt mean i dont like being lied to either. yes i know what your thinking you are thinkning that i deserve it and you know what ? your absolutely righgt....but for soem reason i havnet been able to let this one go...ever since before i went to boot camp i wa hoping for this. i thought at one point in time taht i didnt need it anymore but i was wrong. i am still wrong. there are alot of things i wish i could change in my life and frome what ive been hearing this is one that needs to be cut out....but i cant do it. i dont want to do it and for the most part i probably wont do it. i just wish that i could make everything go to where i want it....send me to fuckin san diego....i hate it here in great lakes....and its about to snow soon....fuck

so thats whats going on here....im thinkin im going to post this site to facebook now....maybe someone will read this now....highly doubt it....oh and as usual i apologize for the spelling....im typing to quick to care about it anymore i guess....

so...

everything is still in the same places as before but just more sour i guess. i think that one of my biggest pet peeves is that when i know someone is lying to me and they dont have the balls to be upfront about it when you ask them. that they still feel the need for soem reason to lie about it. it just pisses me off more. i mean i tell you its ok and you can be honest i wont be mad or anything and still they lie. its going on on to fronts. just one of them i havent been as direct about it but i still think that she is lying about it all and that something really happened with her and that guy. what is one supposed to do? idk but it sucks. i dont really remember what the last post is so im gonna see if this just builds on each other. for obvious reasons i cant say names or mention anything specifically because this is a public site and i could get in trouble but yea....idk what to do. i just want my verbals so that i know where and when i am going so i can plan accordingly. i just wanna go home. i want to go back to california and visit the few friends that i still do out there. which is few and far between but still. im going to colorado for stand down and i get to see my family out there which i am very excited about. but you cant blame me for missing my home town can you? maybe you can maybe you cant. again ill im doing is just venting i guess. i guess thats all for now...im gonna try and keep this up to date...more for my own thing i guess

so im sitting here in the dark on the floor watching a movie thinking about where i was one year ago today. its the saturday night before halloween. i know exactly where i was and what i was doing. i dont how i got into this situation and i kinda hope somebody reads this and i kinda hope nobody does. i hit my one year mark in the navy in like two days. ive gotten married and am a soon to be father in that time period. what am i doing with my life? i feel guilty because i jsut want to go back to how things were. i dont care if that sounds selfish right now but i dont know what else to do but just put it into words. i am in an unhappy marriage. i never wanted to be in this kind of relationship. u dont think anyone has. we both have said we are going to try and make it work but to be completely honest i dont know if we can anymore. even if we wanted to. and to make it all the more better there are other things that complicate this....i dont have anyone i can talk to about all of this. my best friend has stabbed me in the back over a woman before so he is out. i obviously cant talk to the wife about it all. my mom know about all of the crap with the wife but im afraid to tell her about the other complications and things. ive told a few friends about all the thigns going on but again im afraid to tell them whats going on....i live alone as it is and i dont want to lose any of the few people that i have i can hang out with. to make that part of life more difficult they are all over 21 so when they go out drinking i cant go so i sit here and feel stupid pity for myself because im by myself and i sit watching these moveis wishing that i was back in freshamn year and i could do things right in my life. i could stay in college and live life how i thought it would be. i could still be that romantic that i was. the thespian who would suck the marrow out of life and not choke on the bone.all of this isnt how i thought it would be. the navy isnt even bad. yea its stupid politics but its not big deal. it could be fun when we go abroad and have that in life but my proffesional life isnt the problem. like i mean i wish i was in college still and could have so many less worries. yea itd probably be harder financially but i would be happy. money is just money in the end you cant take it with you. its my personal life that is in the shitter. ive come to learn that i have always fallen for the girl hard and fast and i get myself in trouble. people say you dont know what you have until you lost it. ive lost myself in all of the translation that i donty know what to do with anything anymore. i jsut want to put it down somewhere. still again i would like if certain peopel would read this and not others. cant really control that though. this is all very repetative. and yes my spelling is shitty. i jsut want someone to talk to really. i think thts what it is in the end...maybe ill just do this more often to keep myself sane.