so things have gotten better. they had been horrible but now they are better. i made a huge fuck up and i didnt think that would have gotten caught in what i was doing. to be honest i am glad that i did. by my getting caught in my lies and deceits i was made to realize that there were a lot of things about who i was that were very, very wrong. and they changed right quick. almost over night. i know a lot of people think that people cant change or that it takes time if they do believe that people can change. and to be honest i think that they are right when it does happen. but in some cases like this one were you lose some of the people that you care about the most and know in your heart that you were wrong. you can change instantly. and i did. and im so happy for it. i could tell you another lie and say that i did it for these people and because i did it to get what i wanted. well that is part true. i did it because i want to. im not doign it for anyone but me. ok honestly its not completely for me. and since im the only one who reads this i can be honest. 90 percent of this is for me and the other ten is for my unborn child. emma. she deserves to be raised by a father who isnt an asshole. and i was. no doubt about that in my mind at all anymore. she deserves to be given everything in the world and i am going to do the very best that i can which includes her having a father that she can respect and love. whether i was to some how be able to call those people my friends again or not this change had been made an is going to stay like that. i paid a huge price when learning this lesson. a hard lesson that has been well learned. and will not be forgotten this time i swear it. this whole event makes me realize that i have my own insecurities. thats the only explanation that i can think of as to why i would feel the need to do even half the shit i have in my life. i never thought that i of all people had a problem. i never claimed that i understood women or anything like that. i knew exactly what to say and how to act to get what i wanted. yea sounds like an asshole right. im not sure i knew then this fact but i can see it is clear as day in retrospect. my plan is to show those people that i have truly changed for the better. that i can be better not only as a friend to them...but as a better person to myself and to those that i claim i care about. im going to take the better parts of who i was before the navy and the better parts i have of me from the navy and then leave all the rest in the past and move on as an all around better human being. the best part of who i was that i can think of is that i actually had spirituality back then. i dont now. i am going to get back to that. i really think that i am starting to bable on and on but i still feel like there is something that i wanna put down so i can look back on it later. all i know right now is that i am happy about this change and i am so extremely thankful that those people i lost have taken me back. they are truly incredible people and i am honored to have known them and be able to call them friend

i dont know waht to do....this feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and i cant handle it. i know ive mad some mistakes but i never actually did what i am being accused of. ive got nobody left and it truly sucks. i want so badlt for her to just realize that she means so much to me and would believe me. it seems that im destined to go through all of this for the rest of my life. i dont know what to do. i feel like crawling into a bottle and just letting the world go dark and blurry. this doesnt seem to be worth the pain. whoever said tis better to have loved and lost then to have never loved is completely wrong. everything is falling apart. i cant do this anymore. i cant do it....im just rambling on and on but i dont know what else to do. theres no one that i could talk to about this anymore. i just want her back. i swear to whoever reads this that i will never do this again. i wont gop through this pain ever again. if it means that ill never be in love again then i wont be in love. its to much pain. i cant handle it. it happend in high school with joanna and then again with tori. my marriage got fucked up and now this....there seems to be a pattern and its my fault. i know this now and i hope that i can get her back but it doesnt seem like it is going to happen. i cant do this i feel like shit....

so everything is falling apart. the only thing minus emma that i had going for me is going down the shitter. nothing is going for me anymore. now im kinda glad that i cant go to virginia now. i wouldnt have any friends there anymore. i dont have any on the west coast either. so what am i to do? i feel like im about a step away from getting kicked out of the navy and then ill be totally screwed. i dont know what to do. im kinda glad that i never shared this blog with anyone because i feel so fucking pathetic its ridiculous. i read my horoscope alot but i dont put alot into it because they tend to be so vague that you can make it out to whatever you want it to most of the times but it told me that my karma from last year was gonna bit me in the ass and it appears to have come true. and im stuck here until march and idk what i am going to do. those two people that i hang out with the most and spent all of my time with and i do mean all of my time with no want nothing to do with me because someone who they say would never lie to them told them i was lying. idk how i would have gotten around to doing what i am being accused of even if i had wanted to. i mean i spend all the time i have with them....i feel so pathetic and all i wanna do is to crawl into a bottle and just end it all...

so im just sitting here thinking about the same things as before. idk what i wanna do really. again idk. same things with the bitching. now im excited about going to san diego now. there are a couple people that im looking forward to seeing and hanging out with again. things here seem to be good but then ill see things that i dont think im supposed to see but im hoping im just looking to much into things. idk this is gonna be a short post i guess....maybe. thats all i can think about when it come to that subject

im back from leave and have my first duty day again tomorrow. now being back is starting to suck. it was fine the first few days. it was nice being able to just relax and chill out. i mean its not like i do anything on the barracks. all we do is clean and do all that fun stuff but at the same time i dont do any of it. im so ofp that everyone knows really that i dont do jack and just kinda laugh about it but even the lpo and the lcpo know that i dont do anything. ive got such a nioce comfy spot and its gonna suck having to go to another station and actually work lol idk but yea.

now that ive got some time coming to me cause everyone i hang out with has either already left or are transferring right before my birthday and before i get frocked. so i think that im gonna get soem more of my reading done. like im gonna get to get more back into my practice and hopefully ill just feel better about everything all the way around. also im gonna be able to go work out some more and then hopefully thatll help me out some more in feeling better too....i guess thats it for now.

so i miss home. i dont wanna be doing this anymore. i wish that i could somehow change this decision. i know im going back to missing the past and that i am just wasting my time in dwelling on this again but i think that ive figured out what i am going to do about it, im gonna go back to school once i get to san diego. gonna work on my degree again. philosophy major. was really one of the few things that i was good at. something that came naturally to me i guess. my family would say that everything came naturally to me and my sister but this is something that was easy for me, i liked doing very much and that i wanted to continue doing. my family has alwasy had musical abilities and had an athletic nature but i never wanted to go anywhere with that.

its times like these that make me wish that i went a different route with things. gone to college full time and wen to one of those ivy league schools that i probably couldnt get into anyway. done well in high school instead of fucking around and doing things i shouldnt have. my life would have been very different. idk if i would have ever joined the military in the first place. life would have been very different if i knew then what i knew now. everyone must think that same thing i wouljd imagine but im gonna try and teach that to my chold. i know that all of my parents tried to teach me that. i learned it for about six months total while i was in high school i would think. but it didnt quiet stick. things would have been very different. i would never have met some of the really cool peop;e that i have now and i would never have gotten married or would be have this kid. theres not point in dwelling on what i should have done or what i wish were to be happening instead. instead i wish that i could figure out what i need to do in order to get to as close to what it is i want. idk i guess im just bitching again but hey this is a blog isnt it? yea a blog that nobody reads and i dont wanna make this public because i dont wanna hear the bitching from other people.....let them write their own blog lol

ok so its a little while. i went home for christmas standown. the drive down there was alright i got pulled over twice. once for my lights being off and i got a warning and then i got a ticket for speeding. the time down there was great i got to see my family. went with cj to get an ultrasound. that was cool. we found out that we are having a girl. kinda scared. ok alot scared actually. then thr drive back was an adventure. stopped off at a friends house after getting a late start. got caught in a blizzard. got stuck at a truck stop because i had gotten a cb radio for christmas and i bought a mount to put it on my truck and that took me like an hour to put on my fingers where so cold. its sucked. yea there are alot more details to it then that but i cant remember them right now.

so its new years and im sitting alone in my apt/seabag locker drinking alone. alcholic yes i know. almost done with a handle that i opened on my own. so things with the marriage are done. i cant handle it anymore. there are so many things that are going on with that that i cant take it anymore. im just done. the same things that happened before are happening again.the not letting go and the complaining and just blah...idk but im not going to let it bother me anymore. shit happens and life goes on. ive got orders to c school pensacola for air search rader then i got shore duty in san diego. not to happy about that but what am i going to do about it. ugh idk anymore. i jsut want this to be over and done with. its just annoying. i wish that could go back in time jsut a year or so and do this a different way. idk where i would be and i dont know if the good things in my life would be happening right now. so im am happy about them but not to thrilled about the others. im sounding like her now and thats not good.

so now im gonna try and put it on a happier note....this isnt working.....this is hard.....umm...just typing to type i guess...wish that i could focus my thoughts. my family supports me either way but they all told me what they really thought and i tend to agree with them. it would just seem easier to stay together with her but i know that ill be unhappy and itll be hard to just go through with the divorce but i know that ill be happier in the end. but im the same way as i was telling her to just let go even though its hard. ive already let go but the hard part for me is to listen to her and that fact that she hasnt yet....because i do still love her im just not in love with her....after talking to someone who means so much to me, idk if i was ever truly in love with her. at least not like i think i did. i said i would spend the rest of my life with her for better or worse in sickness and health blah blah blah....but i mean shit happens and life goes on. nobody ever wants to get married more than once. but again life goes on.....im gonna go now because im still not focused and cant think strait right now....so.....talk to you later