so im sitting here in the dark on the floor watching a movie thinking about where i was one year ago today. its the saturday night before halloween. i know exactly where i was and what i was doing. i dont how i got into this situation and i kinda hope somebody reads this and i kinda hope nobody does. i hit my one year mark in the navy in like two days. ive gotten married and am a soon to be father in that time period. what am i doing with my life? i feel guilty because i jsut want to go back to how things were. i dont care if that sounds selfish right now but i dont know what else to do but just put it into words. i am in an unhappy marriage. i never wanted to be in this kind of relationship. u dont think anyone has. we both have said we are going to try and make it work but to be completely honest i dont know if we can anymore. even if we wanted to. and to make it all the more better there are other things that complicate this....i dont have anyone i can talk to about all of this. my best friend has stabbed me in the back over a woman before so he is out. i obviously cant talk to the wife about it all. my mom know about all of the crap with the wife but im afraid to tell her about the other complications and things. ive told a few friends about all the thigns going on but again im afraid to tell them whats going on....i live alone as it is and i dont want to lose any of the few people that i have i can hang out with. to make that part of life more difficult they are all over 21 so when they go out drinking i cant go so i sit here and feel stupid pity for myself because im by myself and i sit watching these moveis wishing that i was back in freshamn year and i could do things right in my life. i could stay in college and live life how i thought it would be. i could still be that romantic that i was. the thespian who would suck the marrow out of life and not choke on the bone.all of this isnt how i thought it would be. the navy isnt even bad. yea its stupid politics but its not big deal. it could be fun when we go abroad and have that in life but my proffesional life isnt the problem. like i mean i wish i was in college still and could have so many less worries. yea itd probably be harder financially but i would be happy. money is just money in the end you cant take it with you. its my personal life that is in the shitter. ive come to learn that i have always fallen for the girl hard and fast and i get myself in trouble. people say you dont know what you have until you lost it. ive lost myself in all of the translation that i donty know what to do with anything anymore. i jsut want to put it down somewhere. still again i would like if certain peopel would read this and not others. cant really control that though. this is all very repetative. and yes my spelling is shitty. i jsut want someone to talk to really. i think thts what it is in the end...maybe ill just do this more often to keep myself sane.

so this is more for me i guess, why is it that love is so hard. i want this to work so badly and she says she does too but things she tells me and the things that i can see and feel are different. sometimes giving up seems like it would be so much easier but i can feel it that in the long run its going to hurt like heel. ive already felt a broken heart once and i dont want to feel one again. but its getting harder and harder each and every day. true, some days are perfectly fine but the bad out way them. at least thats what it feels like. dont misunderstand, i do not want out of this. i just want a solution.

Magic

that was really cool. i did my first paid magic gig hat was all on me. it wasnt a faire thing and ciran wasnt involved. i think that it went pretty well. i mean i was nervous as all hell before but as the night went on it got easier. i didnt think that the people at this party would have been really interested in magic but i was surprised at how much response and enthusiasm i got. gives me hope that i might actually be able to get my talents at sleight of hand to take me somewhere even if it was as a hobby. it was a great experience and i will definitely do it again. lol so if anyone wants me to perform for their event, lol call me

i feel like crap

my body is sore and i have a killer headache. i've been in bed all day. this sucks lol. well anyways im gonna try and see if i can get into this really cool a cappella group that i found. but since im sick its gonna be hard. my voice is killing me too. it hurts to swallow. hell does anyone even read these blogs lol.

Music

ok so heres the deal. music is my life. i love to listen to it, play it and when i can, write it. i want so much to go to a great music school but there is only one problem. dont know that i am good enough to pass the auditions. so over the next year here are my goals. i am going to actually sit there and try and master one instrument. only thing is idk which one i want to persue more. i know that this isnt something that you do on a whim but this is all i have to go with for now.

the only thing that i can think of that i might have a chance in is composing and song writing. every kid who applies for these schools with an instrument have been playing for years. my imediate famuly isnt all that musical but on my dads side they alomst all were. so im hoping it runs in our blood or something lol. but yea, i plan on majoring in music so i am going to try and do as much as i can to prepare myself for what i want to do. this is something that i refuse to give up on.

-Drew

uh

this is getting to become really annoying. major family drama. i cant stand it anymore and i want out so badly. i think that i have found a good way to fix my financial situation so thats a good thing. and once i fix that i can move out and take care of me. thats what i think i need most right not.

class isnt to bad. its kinda boring for the most part but then again we have only just begun. so you never know whats coming around the corner. i just wish that i could have taken more classes than what i am now.

so idk if people actually read what i write here so this is probably more like a journal but whatever, i dont care. =) talk to ya later.

I Dont Know

i dont know what to think when it comes to her anymore. i cant help how i feel about her but i also cant help that feeling that i am loosing her. no matter how much she says im not. i see her a couple times in a weekend which was amazing but then she goes home and parties all day and i dont even get a good morning or anything. i hate talking like this cause i feel like it makes me sound even more pathetic and selfish with a dash of jealousy. i hate it but i dont know what to do.